Mourning Sugar

Something I have learned from my reading on sugar addiction and sugar-free lifestyles is that it is OK to be sad about missing sugar. I have tried so many other times to stick with a mentality of, "Oh, it's sometimes difficult to not eat sugar, but I just know how well I feel without it and that motivates me." This is true, but the real truth, if I peel back the layers and really look at it...I will MISS sugar when I say good-bye to it.

Sugar is a buddy. It has sat with me on the couch while I watch television. I've taken it to movie theaters, friends' houses, baked with it on rainy weekend afternoons. So many of my childhood memories have sugar in them. Certain desserts remind me of people (my grandmom's chocolate cream pie! I can still taste it!), signify milestones (graduation parties, my wedding, etc) and there is something about the taste of something sweet that in the moment brings a smile to my face.

When I finally decided about a week ago that I was going to go sugar-free again, and try my absolute hardest to stick with it for at least one year, I told myself to make sure I used these last days to mourn sugar. To truly realize what I'd be giving up and how difficult this task would be. So the first few days I admit I have binged. I have savored every bite of every Christmas cookie and am trying to figure out a way to truly say "good bye" to my old pal. I've taken note of how food has popped up with friends and how we can share a common thread of sugar binges, craving desserts, or making baked goods for/with our kids. I've watched TV and acknowledged how many commercials have to do with sugar, and how dominant its presence is in our overall culture.

When I go sugar-free, I will be somewhat of an outcast. And that is something I have ignored and not recognized in the past. I am a person who really cares what others think of me, and deep down I like to blend in and be considered "normal." A rebel I am not. And eating this kind of a diet makes you stick out. It shines a spotlight on you and you are constantly being challenged and your intentions misunderstood. "You're not fat, why are you doing this?" "I love my desserts too much to part with them, I couldn't do that." "Are you some sort of health nut." Then there are the other people who feel as thought I am judging them for eating sugar and feel uncomfortable eating desserts in front of me. Or they apologize for eating in front of me, hoping they are not tempting me. Or they ask if I just want one bite of something and when I tell them I can't they look at me a little strangely, like I have an eating disorder or super unhealthy relationship with food.

There's definitely a lot more to this then just not eating sugar. This is the main reason I am writing about it this go around. I need a place to vent my feelings and keep me centered. I need a reminder for why I AM doing this.