Back in the Saddle

Back to blogging!

I had a bit of a set-back over the past 10 days or so. Without going into too much personal detail, I found myself overwhelmed. Two kids has really been a difficult transition for me. I feel as though I'm still working through the transition of just BEING a parent (even after nearly 3 years), but the two has just zapped me. Never having time to myself or a consistent schedule is something I find stressful. After my son got through his newborn phase and we had lived in Charlotte for a few months, I found I could get into a small routine. Music Man was a tremendous sleeper. He took long naps and always slept through the night. He used to sleep in until at least 7 almost every single morning. Two years ago I actually had the energy to wake up around 5 or 5:30, take the dog for a walk, do about 20 minutes of yoga, make my breakfast and watch a little news before my day with him began. I laugh thinking about that now! There is NO WAY that could happen with my life right now and that has been a tough pill to swallow. I have always known that my life would never return to what it was with just one kid, but like most things in life, you have to live it to really let it sink in.

Three things are keeping me from getting into any flow:

1) My daughter is not my son. I know, shocker, right?!? But I think most parents take a little time to fully realize this. After all, he's the only kid I knew right? So I had certain expectations and parenting methods in my brain. I am nursing her (I didn't make it very far with my son) and this requires me to be accessible to her three times a day. Don't get me wrong, this is nothing compared to the first six or seven months, but still, it's been ten months now and I have never spent more than 3 hours away from her. Until today though! My sitter came in the morning and I won't return to my house for 3 1/2 hours! Hence why I can finally devote a little attention to this blog. It also took her a long time to get into a nap schedule, and she doesn't sleep in large chunks like her brother did.

2) My son is no longer a 10 month old baby. He's an emotional, moody, unpredictable toddler. I never know what I'm going to wake up to in the morning. Now, he was also a moody baby, but with a baby there are so many less variables. First of all, they don't have a lot of choices. They can't express their opinions that clearly (which is a both a blessing and a curse) and you can easily pick them up and move them from point A to point B. They eat what is put in front of them, and with my son, he liked his routines. I was lucky in that he could entertain himself for a long time, and he loved doing the same sort of activities all of the time. My toddler...is a whole new can of worms. Anything sets him off. Going somewhere takes 20 minutes of strategically placed wording and tone and risk/reward choices that will somehow convince him that going out to the playground on a warm, sunny day is actually a GOOD idea. We are constantly arguing over how much TV he will watch, what he will eat for lunch, how close his sister can stand next to him (usually not within 10 feet), and when and where we can change his diaper. The overall day is absolutely stressful.

3) Two is more than one. Rocket science, I know. But the fact of the matter is, I am now juggling two balls instead of one. And although that is easier than juggling four (cannot even imagine that!), I do have to focus a lot more. And they tag team me. I swear, it's like little kid ESP or something. My daughter took months and months to start sleeping late in the morning. She doesn't wake before 7. Once she started doing that, my son (who rarely ever woke early) has been up by 6 almost every morning. Sometimes sooner. Luckily he stays in his room, but not all of the time. And he's also cranky in the morning most days. And now that my daughter is finally napping on a schedule, I should be getting a 90 minute break from the two of them in the afternoon. But nope, Music Man doesn't like to nap for me (will do anything when Daddy's home on the weekends!), so my weekday afternoons are spent negotiating how long he needs to stay in his room and telling him he can't walk through the hallways singing at the top of his lungs while his sister sleeps.

This is just one of the things on my mind these days, coping with this new role as a mother of two. I do try to remind myself that we have come a long way from the summer, where I never got more than 3 hours of consecutive sleep and my son cried all day long and I would flip out on him almost once a day and then feel guilty about it for a week. We are past those days and that is awesome, but the grind still gets to me.

Add to that me trying to eat sugar and gluten free and cooking all of our meals and I just couldn't cope. I found myself eating fruit and feeling guilty. Eating large portions of lunch and dinner and feeling guilty. Snacking through the day and feeling guilty. Gaining five pounds and feeling guilty.

And then I had some sugar.

Way to bury the lead, Brooke! Yup, off the band wagon. I have been eating some honey. I had some grain-free pumpkin bread last week that was sweetened with honey. Had it during a difficult moment where my head felt like it was going to implode and my patience with everything was razor thin. Then I started adding honey to my oatmeal in the morning and this was partially due to allergy season. Every year since I moved to Charlotte I have gotten allergies right as spring is moving in. And every year I eat some local honey and the pollen that those bees eat gets into my system and I build up an immunity and my allergies go away. I was on the fence as to what to do this year but I decided to just eat some honey.

Now the first thought that crossed my mind was:

FAILURE!

But thankfully, I was able to stifle that thought really quickly and actually show myself some much needed compassion. I started to feel so stupid (especially about this blog), thinking that all of my writing about how bad sugar is and how I absolutely cannot have any and about my addiction was going to seem like such a joke if I couldn't stick to my goal. Then I started thinking clearly. First of all, I only need to answer to myself in this world. This blog was meant to be a place where I could vent and share the ups and downs I have with healthy eating. Honestly, I don't know if I can go an entire year off of all sugar. I am proud that I have yet to eat any refined sugar or gluten. I do know that my body doesn't do as well when I have things like honey and maple syrup and fruit floating around in there, but I also know it's not doing nearly as much damage as white sugar and gluten. And avoiding these things is pretty difficult but I think I can do it. And if I don't, I'm not going to beat myself up.

This "Sugar-Free Year" is just as much about my own total health journey (mind, body and spirit) than simply not eating sugar. I always knew I had an emotional connection to food, and I want to spend the remainder of this year figuring out ways to curb this. I honestly think more of the problem is my connection to food (as in its relationship to my stress levels) than about what I am putting in my mouth at the time. I need to figure out a way to comfort myself and accept myself and be happy with how I am living my life. When I can find some coping skills that don't center around self-sabotage and guilt I really think my eating will just work itself out.

And as much as I preach about kale and organic meat, the true health threat to everyone is stress. You can have the cleanest diet on the planet, but if you're stressed out it won't do you any good. Stress attacks everything good going on in your body. They have actually found that people who eat clean but are stressed out are unhealthier than happy, content people who don't have the greenest stuff entering their system. And trying to keep up with this very demanding goal was starting to add stress to everything else that was already stressing me out. So I'm releasing my reins a little and allowing some natural sweeteners in my life. This is actually great news for my readers, because there will be more recipes that you would enjoy, ha!

So this is still technically "sugar-free" since most websites just count refined, white sugar as sugar. Many people do great with natural sweeteners (they do not spike your blood sugar the way refined sugar and artificial sweenteners do). And they actually have some health benefits, which I will post soon!

I am grateful that I was able to see that I needed a breath and could get my head on straight and work through this past week. Now I'm back on the horse and looking forward to sharing my healthy lifestyle with everyone again!