It's posts like these that make me feel like a freak. Who curses out blueberries?!? I mean, honestly, I have issues. But addictions isn't pretty, nor logical, and man I am having some problems with this pint of blueberries staring at me. I've already downed about a cup of them and want to eat the whole thing but I'm not going to. I can tell I'm just covering my emotions up with something sweet.
I had started eating fruit a few days ago. I made sure I was always eating it with something else. A half apple with peanut butter, blueberries in my oatmeal. So fruit is allowed and I'm doing alright with it. But I am stressed this week and today has sort of sucked and I turned to blueberries for comfort.
My son and daughter both have colds which is affecting my daughter's sleep and my son's mood. And every time they get sick (which has been a LOT this year) I feel a pang of guilt. I know getting sick is part of life, but it just makes me feel so bad for them. And then I feel like this big healthy hypocrite who busts her hump to try my absolute best to get him to eat at least some veggies and real food, and I have turned my life upside down to ensure I nurse the peanut so that she gets a healthy immune system...and yet they still get sick. And then I go through all the guilt of whether or not to give antibiotics or even over the counter meds. And THEN I feel guilty because I am just too stressed and overwhelmed with life to begin with that when you add a crabby toddler and tired baby into the mix I turn on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse allllllll morning long while the sun is shining and other kids are out there using their brains and breathing in the air and mine are just zoning out at the screen. Ugh!!!!
I'm not beating myself up, just venting. I know this is life and I'm doing my best to deal with it. But lately I'm in a funk and it's tougher and tougher to get myself out of it. I feel like a prisoner in this house with these kids sometimes. I rarely see the Hubs and when I do it's just to take care of the kids or zone out on TV before we crawl into bed by 10:00. I haven't done anything fun for myself in what seems like years (not true, but allow me some exaggeration while I moan and groan) and I spend 95% of my time with people who crap in their pants.
So yeah, I turned to some blueberries for comfort today. It could have been worse. I could have eaten the entire waffle my son rejected earlier today that is sweetened with honey. I could have eaten spoonfuls of jelly (yup, I've done that. I know! Issues, issues, issues). Or I could have loaded up the kids and gone and bought some chocolate. I've never done that with the kids but I used to do that when it was just me and my sugar addiction.
Only blueberries and I turned to the blog to vent. I'll chalk this up to a victory.
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