When I tell people I don't eat sugar, they automatically think it's because I want to lose weight. I'm often met with comments like, "But you're not fat." or "Oh I exercise more so I can indulge in sweet stuff." As I've said time and time again, the reason I am doing this is because of how sugar makes me feel on the inside - anxious, exhausted, out of control. And the other reason is because when I have sugar I am more likely to binge eat and food takes control of me. So I don't want to live this way so I don't eat sugar.
But...I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the inevitable consequence of eating this way. I do lose weight. And I keep the weight off rather easily. Actually, the gluten is what bloats me so the second I take that out I notice a difference within days. Also, I eat a lot less when I don't have sugar because my blood sugar levels stay balanced and I tend not to overeat.
However...lately I've been struggling. It's been almost two months and this is when the tides turned the last time I did this. I start to think I can do little cheats here and there so I do this for a month or so and then I start really cheating (like eating non-natural sugars...legit desserts here and there...some gluten) and then BAM, back to binge eating and the cycle continues.
I am there now. The biggest problem I have is my kids. I do make them things with natural sweeteners. I make home made pancakes sweetened with honey. I do cook my son pasta on occasion. I have a lot of fruit for them. It's extremely difficult not to take nibbles from their dishes, or clean their plate off when they are done. And inevitably, whenever I start to feel better I convince myself that I can handle "a little bit" of sugar and completely discount all that I have learned about myself. That I am a sugar addict. That I can't handle just a little bit. And that there's no room to wiggle if I want to continue this lifestyle.
I'm also just overeating. I'm feeling really anxious these days and am having a tough time feeling grounded. My kids are super demanding right now and the Hubs is traveling a ton. I don't feel settled in my skin and I'm eating. Lots of meat, lots of nut butters, tons of carrots and other sweet vegetables. I've actually put on a couple of pounds since January.
The big thing I have is that I don't sit down for meals, other than breakfast. I tend to just eat food throughout the day. I am a schedule person and my kids don't allow me to have a schedule so I graze. And grazing is bad for me. I also eat a lot while I cook. The meatballs come out of the oven, and I eat two of them as they are piping hot staring at me. I roast some sweet potato wedges for my kids, I eat about three of them as soon as they are ready, eat a few more while I am feeding them, and then pile a bunch on a plate to be my lunch. I feel all over the place with my eating and something has to change.
I am happy that I am recognizing this before it gets too out of control. Although working through this stage of the journey is something I have yet to figure out so I'm not sure what to do. I know its emotion-based. I know it's being bored of what I've been eating. And I know I am mourning sugar big time now. That actually just came to me as I typed. I am mourning sugar. I really do miss it. And I convince myself I can have a little visit from it on occasion at this point. Think I have to roll this around in my head for a bit.
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